Not one of the good days

So I find myself writing on the bad days most often, it seems. I guess when it's a good day I don't have a need to write. But it really does help me to write, it just feels therapeutic or something. Just getting the anger,frustration, whatever out of my head. I'm glad I haven't yet shared this blog with anyone....any normal person would find it...pardon the pun....quite depressing. And dark. And I don't know that I need or want pity. When I'm struggling, I think the best thing for me is distraction. And someone praying for me. I really can feel prayers.
Confession: I've been off meds for a few weeks now. Just sick and tired of not wanting or enjoying sex. And of struggling some days, even on the meds. So I know most people say it's an imbalance, it's a medical condition, you HAVE to have meds to beat it. But I WANT TO BEAT IT MYSELF. Without the side effects. WITH God. Can I do it?? I have had good days and bad days, and honestly it feels like the last week or two the good days have outnumbered the bad. That's a good thing right?
But I guess I logged in to talk about today. It's one of those days...I laid down on the couch about an hour after getting out of bed, and the tiredness overwhelmed me... I couldn't fight the sleepiness, it just takes over me and I can NOT talk myself out of it, I can't get up when it us pushing down on me. I am up again, but all I can do is sit here...putter around online....read....try to talk on the phone....try to get motivated to clean up the pig sty around me. Try not to scream at the kids. Hope and pray they know how much I love them, on the days I can't interact, hug, touch, love as much as I think I should. I ache to get out of the house, not that it would be a permanent fix but I just want to see something besides the mess around me and the same old walls. Maybe have someone smile at me, tell me how sweet my boys are, tell me to have a good day...But I tried to commit myself to trips to town twice a week. A round trip is one gallon of gas. $3.50, soon to be more I'm sure. And the trips to Goodland are inevitable, so shouldn't I limit the trips to Colby? Is it better to save money, or save my sanity? I wish we could go outside. Summertime will be good...I hope.
Turning on some Christian music now...sometimes that helps.