Healing?

I know God *can* heal me. Why won't he? I have prayed for healing often. Why must I go through this struggle in my life. I HAVE been taking my medication lately. But it's not helping so much! I've already upped my dosage. It's just not working like it did at first.
I just want to be a good person. A normal person. A good mom. A good wife. Kind. Happy. What, what, what is the purpose of this disease? Why must my family suffer? If I have to suffer, fine. But why must my beautiful, amazing, family suffer? Why can't I control myself with them? Believe me, I know what a blessing they are. I know how our family has been blessed. So why can't that be enought to make me happy?

Hate

It's going to sound pathetic, but last night as I lay in bed unable to sleep I was running through a list in my head of everything I hate about myself. I do this--hate myself--when I am depressed. I honestly tried to think of one positive trait--physical or otherwise--to like, and there was nothing. Nada. From my toes to the top of my head, the only physical trait I'm happy with is my ears. They're just right. As far as other traits....I'm unhappy, unsmart, impatient, indecisive, irritable, lazy, forgetful, messy, frumpy, addicted to junk food, addicted to fast food, addicted to internet, addicted to reading, uncreative, a bad mom, bad wife, bad friend. Socially retarded, immature. I can't sew, knit, crochet, write, draw, paint, decorate, build, repair, scrapbook, change a tire, bake (much) or cook fancy things. I can't budget, I'm not frugal, I can't handle the home or business paperwork. I'm not take-charge, not a leader, not helpful, not a go-getter.
Even the "Real Me", when not struggling with being depressed....I still don't like myself. My mood or attitude can help me look past or ignore everything I hate and not let it bother me so much. But why do I have to be such a worthless person? Why can't I have one decent talent or gift? Ugh.